top of page
  • Autorenbildildikocsamay

Musings on BDSM & the dark erotic arts #4: The War on Masculinity.

Aktualisiert: 18. Jan.





In Defense of Dark Eros:

Why we need to seperate the Political from the Sensual.


I always get attacked from other women when I speak about BDSM.


I get attacked when I reveal myself as a submissive woman.

I get attacked for being honest about my desire for

a man that is stronger & better than me.


I get attacked for my love for dominant men

And traditional masculinity.


And more than anything:


I get attacked and stabbed in the

Back for thriving in my submission.



Here's my reply to all those women out there:


I am a poet. I write about embodiment, sensuality

& the aliveness that is available through the body.


BDSM is one of the most potent gateways to the sensual.

My writings & musings are neither sexual nor pornographic.


In fact, while they may not be politically correct (very few evolutionary & hardcore scientific facts are politically correct in today's weird socio-political climate), they are pretty innocent.


They are an attempt to honor Eros.


I want to share this wild wisdom because it transformed my life.

It touched my soul. And it set me free.


I want the same thing for you.



My musings are an exploration of the emotional landscape &

deep soul nourishment that is available through the

strict behavioral etiquette & codes of BDSM:



  • All the lessons we can learn about open communication, consent & absolute respect for the other person's boundaries and limits.

  • All the lessons about the power of AGREEMENTS.

  • All the incredible skills & the energetic wisdom that BDSM offers us to create polarity and deep intimacy.



BDSM relationships are WAY more consensual than vanilla relationships.


The leader- and followership that is established in a BDSM-relationship by a dom & a sub provides a framework for how CONSENSUAL, MASTERFULL, HE_ART:FULL leader- and followership actually look like.


So many people are exploring the topic of leadership these days.

Everybody is complaining about the lack of good leadership in the workplace & the world.


People (myself included) even turn to other species

like horses in order to learn about it.


And as incredible the lessons that our equine friends provide are, horses can't teach us verbal communication. Or man-woman relating.


BDSM can.


Most people who are in relationships aren't in actual agreement with their partner about a lot of things. BDSM teaches us how to create agreements in all areas of our man-woman relating. Deep agreement between dom and sub are the absolute foundation on which this type of relationship is built.


I don't see this prioritization of agreement and finding the other person right in most "normal" relationships. In general, intimate relationships are in a dire state.


Masculinity is in a state of crisis. Statistics & studies show that women

have never been more stressed out & unhappy than now.


The BDSM-framework contains SO many cultural technologies that we could borrow from right now in order to reinvent relationships and - maybe for the first time in history -, establish ACTUAL CONSENT and deep AGREEMENTS between men & women.


And still, despite all of that ...


When I write about the deep devotion &

salvation I experience in my submission,

The way the dark erotic arts have

Recallibrated and nourished

My feminine essence like

Nothing else ever has ...


I get butchered on the altar of „feminism“.


I get butchered by other sisters who are taking revenge on me

for having access to a part of my femininity and getting

turned on in a place that they themselves aren't

able to access in their dynamics with men.



The Glorification of Emotional Men & the Destruction of Eros


We live in a society & a psychological paradigm that is telling men to soften the fuck up.

Men are told that women mainly want two things from them:

Their emotionality & their vulnerability.


I cringe at the mere thought of watery, soft men.

I don't want to have anything to do with them

- neither as platonic friends, nor as lovers.


Being around soft men is exhausting for me.


It is exhausting for me to nurture them through their self-doubt orgies.

I don't want to hold space for their never-ending emotional processing.

It creates a sense of revulsion & disgust in my body.


And I know that I am the rule rather than the exception in this:

Pretty much every woman I talk to refers to this sense of disgust

that an ungrounded, soft man evokes in her.


We can not respect you if you are that weak.



A Message to all the soft "nice guys" out there


Please stop taking pride in your emotionality.

Please stop taking pride in your lack of penetrative thrust.


You are not empathetic towards the feminine by being a nice guy.

Your weakness is destabilizing to us as women.


Your softness is not a virtue,

it creates energy leaks in our systems.


If you were truly empathetic you would actually listen into your woman.

You would actually listen into her body & touch into her desire

for being handled well by a strong, competent man.


If you were truly empathetic towards your woman,

you would actually acknowledge her nature:


You would honor & recognize her wholeness.

You would feed both the angel & the animal in her.

You would take care of her heart and her whore.


Bring your vulnerability & your emotionality to your therapist.

Your men's circle. Or your dominatrix.


But please don't burden your woman with it.

Shoulder her cross instead.


Because shouldering a heavy cross, taking on responsibility & risk,

facing danger & overcoming obstables is what qualifies

you as a masculine energy being.


This is and has always been the hero's journey.



Masculine Men aren't born. Masculine Men are created on the Battlefield.


One of the most impressive, dominant men I have ever encountered in my entire life was a man who grew up in war torn country. A man who had witnessed unimaginable horrors as a little boy. A man who from a very early age had to protect his mother & family.


A man that came from a lineage of warriors & men of service.

Men who sacrificed, fought and died for their community & country.

A lineage of masculine excellence.


This man was highly educated and highly accomplished.

He was deeply caring, full of emotional richness & tenderness towards me.


And he was fully tapped into his dangerousness.

He owned & embodied his masculine edge.

He was in touch with his killer.


He was grounded and he spoke from a place of internal stillness.

His words had the ability to penetrate through all of my layers

and armoring right into the core of my very being.


The containment that this man was able to provide was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Every fiber of my being could sense that I was with a true protector who had looked death into the eyes more than once & who was unimpressed by its cold stare.


A man who had seen the worst of the human psyche, who had endured unspeakable terrors as a child and throughout his entire youth.


A man that had to be strong for those around him.

A man who had been wounded and scared.

A man who carried his scars with pride.


And because he had encountered death so intimately at such an early age as a little boy growing up in war, he was unafraid and unimpressed by my double-nature as a woman.


He encoded my system with the energetics of the warrior.

The energetics of masculine excellence.

The energetics of the stoic.


When I compare his energetic signature with

the energetic of the average caucasian

"nice" guy, my heart sinks into despair.



Eros as Death Practice: Madness & Neurosis in an Uninitiated Culture


Now don't get me wrong and take what I just wrote with a grain of salt.

I do not want to idealize war as a masculine Rite of Passage,

nor am I minimizing the horrific trauma that results from it

within our psyche, regardless of gender.


But I do want to make a point that unlike femininity, masculinity is not a given.

It has to be earned and developed through overcoming difficulty & hardship.


This is the reason why indigenous societies always put their boys through oftentimes

cruel initiatory rites that would turn then into real men.


This is the brutal truth about the masculine becoming,

about creating a fully-cooked man:


Within the ritualistic container of the Rite of Passage a part of him gets broken.

His innocence is either being robbed or traumatized out of him.

The little boy in him doesn't get to grow up:


The little boy gets killed within the initiation itself.


Killed by his tribe.

Killed for his own good.


Killed by his mother who from now on

will never-ever offer him containment again.


The completion of this ancient archetypal drama is what differs a real man

from all the half-baked Peter Pans of my generation.


However our capitalistic system doesn't want us to grow up like that anymore.

Our economy can only function if our society consists of emotionally immature,

compulsive consumers.


Hence we are witnessing a systematic destruction of access to these initiatory portals.


This is a great danger.

It creates a vacuum in our psyche.


We need to live our lifes in such a way that we get to develop

an intimate relationship with death - and all of her faces & phases -

in order to become fully integrated, mature human beings.


Death is the medicine we need right now.

And Eros is a pathway to death.


Entering the realm of ecstasy requires us to leave our identity on the hook

& die back into the oceanic depths of our pure life-force energy.


Eros is aliveness fully unleashed.

That kind of aliveness that holds death

as a possibility in her midst at every step

of the sacred dance.


I want to make a case - as shocking as this may sound - but:


Feminine Eros is a way of coming to terms with death.


Feminin Eros is a pathway for you as a man

to develop your mastery without

having to go to war.


Instead you go deep inside of her.

Until you meet her heart.

And die back into her.


The feminine not only gave you life,

she also has the ability to rebirth you.


But she will only do that for you, if she finds you worthy.

If you qualify as a real man in her eyes.


And that means more than anything:

Being ablte to embrace all of her:


Her eternal double-nature.



The double-nature of Women & Non-consensual Consent


Feminine Eros is as much a representation of love & light

as it is the embodiment of abysimal depth, death

and the devouring nature of the universe itself.


Feminine Eros is a son of a bitch.

Feminine Eros is the great paradox.

Feminine Eros is a shapeshifter.


For us woman it is 100% possible to feel two seemingly

opposing emotions at the same time.


We can 100% hate AND love you simultaneously.

We can 100% want to be with you until death do us part

AND simultaneously want to kill you for saying something stupid.


Your job as a man is not to figure out the paradoxical nature of women.

Nor is it to second guess what women want.

That is a pointless endeavour to begin with.


We ourselves don't know what we want 95% of the time.

What we want changes every 5 minutes.

As do our feelings. We are in constant flux.


Trying to figure us out is useless.


We are not a crossword-puzzle to be solved.

We are not a problem to be fixed.


We don't want you to figure us out.


We want to be witnessed by you.

We want to feel your attention on us.


Your stillness, your presence. your depth.

And we want to be handled by you.


This is what feeds our soul.

This is what opens up our Eros.



Can you see the madness that is built into our very fabric as women?


A healthy masculine presence will ground our system immediately.


He will breathe a sense of peace and deep expansiveness into our body so that

everything within us settles, calms down and slowly melts open.


He will switch our busy brains off.

He will sense us and feel into the desire

UNDERNEATH our desire.


When this happens, a woman is able to open up the oceanic depths of her sensuality.

This is something that only a real, dominant man in his mastery is able to accomplish.


Don't confuse a dominant man with the archetype of the immature

"womanizer/gigolo" who can only set up a straw fire and

leaves her feeling empty, out of her center

and desperate for more.


If falling for this type of man is your pattern as a woman -

you have no access to your true feminine power.


You haven't touched sub-space yet.


And this is precisely the genius of BDSM & its concept of non-consensual consent:


It refers to a dom breaking his sub down for her own good.

It refers to your role as a masculine man to end this built-in conflict

in your woman and set her free from the bondage of her own mind (well... more or less ;-)


Challenge accepted, warrior?


65 Ansichten0 Kommentare

Aktuelle Beiträge

Alle ansehen
bottom of page