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Musings on BDSM & the dark erotic arts: #1 You are not a Dom. You are a f*cking disaster.


I am really tired that I even have to write a text like this - but here it goes.


BASIC BDSM-ETIQUETTE for those out there who claim to be a "Dom":

Let me give it to you straight: You're probably not. You may want to be one.

You may see yourself as one. You may call yourself a "Dom".

But if you are the average guy out there who is calling himself a „Dom“ you are just a f*cking disaster for women waiting to happen.




Here's a reminder of how a Dom is supposed to act just according to the MOST BASIC BDSM-etiquette:


  • As a Dom you are the holder of structure in the entire power exchange. That means that as the Sub it is NOT my role to take on that part and make up for your lack of direction, your sloppiness when it comes to designing scenes and your complete ignorance around the intricacies of female sensuality & the dark erotic arts.

  • A true Dom understands that while a man may be naturally dominant, becoming a Dom is an entirely different game. It requires training, learning, a great deal of education and dedication. Having watched too much hardcore porn and having an itch to try these things out with the (poor) woman on the receiving end does NOT make you a Dom.


  • A true Dom LOVES to take his Submissive into sub-space. He lives to see her melt, surrender and get off. He gets off on seeing her get off. Therefore he has mastered his most valueable skill: His ability to put his attention outwards and hold her in his presence.

  • A true Dom understands that what will open up his Submissive's sex is his CONTAINMENT.


  • He understands that more than anything she wants to feel contained by him on all levels. He knows that a scattered, confused, ungrounded presence will only shut the Sub down.

  • A great Dom knows that one of his biggest assets is his incredible neutrality, his inner stillness, his stoicism & his GRAVITAS as a man which allows the Sub to destabilize into ecstasy. Nothing can faze him.


  • He knows how to handle a woman. Because he knows how to handle life. If you are an avoider, if you run from difficulty, challenge and obstacles in your life you will never be a great Dom. All of these things can be FELT in your energy and they are anti-arousing.


  • Since you are the holder of structure in this dynamic, it is YOUR duty and responsibility to open the conversation about boundaries, turn-ons, desires and scene-design with your Sub BEFORE you ever engage in scene-play with her.


  • You are expected to bring up the topic of aftercare and ask her about her preferences and how you can bring her down gently. THIS IS THE MOST BASIC STUFF and it is ICKY that I even have to mention this, but this is the state of modern men today (let's not even call them "Doms").

  • Your self-centeredness is not erotic. Period. We don't want to listen to you getting lost in your monologes for hours at a time. We don't want to hear about your self-doubt and all your excuses why you can't lead us better, why you are unable to show up for us in your mastery. It is pathetic. No woman with healthy self-esteem wants to open up her legs for a pathetic, weak man. You are embarassing yourself when you do that.

  • A true man knows how to put his attention OUTWARDS. That's the basic energetic dynamic of polarity and great eroticism.

  • You CAN NOT boss your Submissive around, tell her what to do before you are in full agreement with her about the power-dynamic you are going to establish with each other.


  • The Dom's role is to lead his Sub into sub-space: An altered state of consiousness that she can not reach on her own or by herself. His role is to protect & provide for her - to make sure she is safe, feels seen, can open up and give herself over to the flow of her sexual energy.


  • Taking on the role of a Dom means a shitload of responsibility. It requires discipline and restraint. It is energy-expensive. It requires you to have reached a certain level of skill and mastery with yourself first.

  • You can not be a Dom while expecting your woman to take care of you emotionally or mother you. Being a Dom requires you to grow the f*ck up first.


  • Don't bullsh*t yourself. Not every man has it in him to be a Dom. It takes a certain caliber of man to be a Dom. Don't take on that role if you can't shoulder all of its responsibilities & duties.


  • You can not be a Dom without having mastered your masculine energy first.

  • If he is masterful, it is the Sub's job to make the Dom feel more like a man, to worship him, to call him into his power even more, to make him bigger as a man and give from the energetic overflow he stirs up in her.


  • You are probably ignorant and in denial about how much havoc you are wreaking in women's lifes if you don't even know what being a Dom means.


  • WAKE UP. DON'T COMPLAIN. GET PROPER TRAINING.


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