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Musings on BDSM & the dark erotic arts:#3 Erotic Relationships are about Power, not Love.

Aktualisiert: 4. Jan.





Erotic relationships are not about love.

Erotic relationships are fundamentally about power.



Get the power dynamic right -

and love & deep trust will be

a natural byproduct.


Get the power dynamic right -

and ecstasy & devotion

become unavoidable.



There are two big taboos that our culture is unwilling to face at the moment:


Masculine dominance & feminine submission ...


... the fact that there is a part of our soul that craves healthy hierarchies.

... the fact that our Eros feeds off of conscious power-exchange.


Contrary to popular belief equality is not a great recipe for thriving eroticism in relationships.


In fact, I would argue that what most of us secretly yearn for instead (whether we alllow ourselves to admit it or not) is a CONSENSUAL power dynamic with a leader & a follower.


This is the bread & butter of the BDSM-world.


Whether you are interested in BDSM & Kink or not - within the BDSM-realm lie a lot of the cultural technologies, frameworks & tools that we as a society are in desperate need of right now in order to reinvent relationships, unburden women, strengthen men

and keep the heat alive in longterm relationships.



Feminism & woke ideologies have destroyed Masculinity.

And we are all paying the price for it.


I see so many men these days who are completely hesitant or unwilling to embrace the power of their masculinity, to step into their role, and occupy their strength,

dominance, and dangerousness fully.


Simultaneously, I hear women complain about men

in my TAROT-Readings all the time ...


- their lack of commitment or inability to open up to them

- their complete flaccidness and lack of direction, whether it is in life or in the erotic realm

- their nonexistent ambition and unwillingness to take on responsibility

- their unability to provide solid containment for the woman

- their complacency as lovers and partners

- their ignorance around the sensual arts


Yet, what I rarely hear from women is this:


That we have actually CREATED this type of man.


This type of man that has become a wandering disappointment - flaky, unstable, afraid of women and his own power, weak at his core and emasculated by his (feminist) mother. This type of man that has had it so easy and has become so soft that he is unable to make a meaningful contribution to society.


But what are we as women actually doing these days to inspire men to step up?


How are we teasing out his inner warrior or his dom archetype?


Have the gender roles flipped?


Are women now in charge of erotic relationships?


And if so - how is this actually working out for you?


Like ... honestly.



The Gift of Masculine Dominance


Within the BDSM-world we refer to a woman`s submission as her gift

to her Dom and a Dom's leadership & dominance

as a privilege for his submissive:


Both dominance & submission are not a given.

They need to be earned.


They both require great mastery.

And a lot of training.


Within this simple framework lies great wisdom.


And for all you neurotic sceptics out there who still aren't getting it,

let me break down for you, what dominance

within BDSM-play actually means:


  • deep containment for the sub so that she can surrender & open her sex fully

  • protection & provision (aka: a shitton of responsibility)

  • full attention & presence for the submissive

  • a demand for the submissive's full desire

  • giving the structure & discipline that are required to build a containter that can hold that much turn on and sexual energy



Honoring & feeding his Dominance


The biggest art and gift a man can cultivate is his dominance.

His ability to offer a woman containment on all levels.


His ability to restrain himself, suck it up,

do what needs to be done

and overcome difficulties.


The idea that men should become more "vulnerable" is one of

the biggest delusions of our time.


The entitlement from women that they somehow need to "teach" men

how to feel is the ultimate castration act.


We don't need more soft, conscious men who are licking their wounds,

caretaking their inner child, and sitting under a tree meditating

while our entire value system is falling apart.


The world will not be saved by Western women.

The world does not need more "feminine" energy.


The world is already drowning in an excess of Yin that has dissolved all healthy boundaries that used to give us structure and the containment we need as feminine women to truly surrender and break free.


We need more fierceness in this world. We need more warrior-protectors who know what the gift and deep responsibility of true dominance actually is, who know how to put women back into their (happy) place and grab life by the balls.



Trust your wise animal body.


All mammals which organize themselves in herds or packs establish a pecking order within their group. As humans we are social animals.


I don't care what the New Age has told you:


You are not a „spiritual being having a human experience“.


You are first and foremost an animal. You have the nervous system of a typical mammal.

It needs to co-regulate in order to cope with life, meaning that:

You depend on others to stay sane.

Just like all other herd animals do.


All herd animals organize themselves in hierarchical groups. And yes, within these hierarchies exist friendships, but even within these friendships a certain

power dynamic can be observed.


Why do we do this?


Because it makes our lives easier.

Because this is how we have survived for millions of years.

Because a pecking order tells us how to act in moments of danger.

Because a (healthy) hierarchy gives our lives structure and psychological safety.


This has always been the evolutionary logic.


We need to stop argueing with what WORKS just because

the latest ideologies tell us to flip our entire

history as a species on his head.



The Absence of Healthy Hierarchy rears its ugly Head twofold these Days:


(1) Women are feeling exhausted, stressed out, overburdened and resentful (towards men and in general) while they are overachieving like crazy, "empowering themselves", looking really good on paper and feeling miserable deep down inside.


(2) Men and masculinity are in a total state of crisis and despair. Men don't know what to do with themselves or how to act around the feminine. Instead of offering women the gift of their attention and containment, they seek to extract it from them - like a little boy would do with his mommy.


The typical modern man is shacky and unsure of himself.

He has no access to his edginess.


His energy feels ungrounded and irritates the shit out of our energy-systems as women.

He wants to hide behind his woman or get adopted by her like a little puppy so that he can forever smoke weed & play video games on her coach.


Needless to say that it is impossible for any healthy feminine-essence

woman to respect this carricature of a man.


And this is an area where I see so many women betraying themselves and seriously f*cking their lives up these days:


By entering commited relationships with men that they do not respect fully.


If she can not respect him, her libido will dry up like the Sahara ...


Which is what all the current studies and statistics are confirming:


  • Our generation has WAY LESS sex than previous ones

  • Our birth rates have dropped significantly in the West


These are the ugly fruits of feminism:


  • Men are weaponizing their incompetence.

  • Women have destroyed masculinity and are paying the price for it by having to "do it all" - all day, everyday.

  • Men aren`t required (or allowed) to grow up anymore & have become parasites instead of providers.



The gender roles have indeed flipped.


Which just proves my initial point:


That as mammals it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to exist OUTSIDE of a power dynamic.

So can we please aknowledge that and figure out a power dynamic that actually WORKS, leads to thriving relationships and feeds our Eros instead?



The Case for Hierarchical Relating:

Getting started with consensual Power-Exchange.


Establishing a high functioning leader & follower dynamic that will feed the eroticism in your relationship is a matter of tuning in.


It is not about re-inventing the wheeel or coming up with anything new.


It is all about dropping back into the energetic undercurrent

of your body's most authentic, deepest desires & yearnings.


It is about following the energy that has already been there all the time.

Patiently waiting for you to notice her.



Ask yourself:


  • Where does my sex thrive? Is it when I ravish my lover & take charge? Or is it when I am the one that is being pushed up against that wall?

  • Do I want to give the other person containment (as the dominant)?

  • Or do I long to receive that containment and embody the submissive role?


The power dynamic is already there anyway.

You only have to make it conscious and negotiate your agreements,

boundaries and desires around it with your partner.


The establishment of a proper power dynamic reveals the brilliance that is built into the strict sexual etiquette of BDSM right from the start:


  • A dom-sub-framework FORCES us into radical honesty and open communication from the get go.

  • The level of trust that emerges from this way of relating goes SO much deeper than in the average vanilla relationship.

  • As a result healthy dom-sub relationships are way MORE consensual than "normal" relationships.


The principles and archetypes that we are playing around within BDSM are universal.

If you understand dom-sub, you understand life.


Every single relationship - whether it is between parent and child, friends or lovers contains a power dynamic of its own kind. There is already a shadow-leader and a shadow-follower.


All we do in BDSM is that we put some light on the darkness, make the power dynamic conscious by establishing consent around it and exaggerate it deliberately

in order to turn ourselves on.


Power is the most potent aphrodisiac of all.


The only difference between vanilla people & BDSM-practitioners

is that the latter are not afraid to go there.


In fact, in BDSM we are commited to follow our desire to wherever it wants to take us.

As long as it is safe, sane & consensual we will follow our sexual energy

and use it to set ourselves free.

We trust our turn on.


We use role play to access our true selves.

We enter our sexual shadowland & harness all the trapped sexual energy

that is stored in these taboos for our liberation.


We use power exchange to create our own little world with our lover:


A sensual wonderland that is high protocol and full of thoughtfull rituals &

co-created scenes between dom and sub that we play

in order to honor each other & strengthen our bond.


We create secrecy around our dynamics: A parallel universe that is entirely our unique creation. A world that only we understand and that offers deep containment,

salvation, great eroticism, artistic inspiration & an escape from the mundane.


One of the main reasons why I personally would never-ever want to go back to having an "equal" relationship again is that having a well-functioning power dynamic in a

relationship is pretty much a guarantee for polarity on steroids.


I have written about this extensively and in great detail in my other blog about my journey into submission, but I will say it again:


Nothing nourishes & fills me up like the containment of my dom.

My submission is my secret-weapon in life.


No woman should have to live without the incredible

medicine of masculine containment.


Don't ignore power.

Master it instead.


And all we be revealed to you.









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